April 3/2017 (Again)

So, today has been decentish…. I slept decently last night, not just because I was tired, but actually phoning last night & knowing where she was & that she’s safe & okay, had a part in me sleeping decent last night. I ended up not being able to stay awake & try call back around 8 – 8:30 AM, as that’s when she was normally awake when we did early morning video calls when we were together. I ended up going to sleep around 6:30 AM this morning. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer…. I’m not exactly able to “speak freely” during the day here, so if I want to call again tonight, even if she’s sleeping & just to ask her nurse to let her know I called, it has to be just before, or after midnight, as that is the only time I am able to “speak freely”….

I just honestly want to talk directly to her. Not through her roommate or her primary nurse, directly to her, so I can at least ask her a few things, such as how she’s doing (even though her nurse already said), if she wants me to try come see her…. & say a few things to her, that I’ve said repeatedly through Facebook messages, but never actually said to her by speaking (still care about her, she still means the world to me, etc.) on the last call we did…. I honestly feel, that even if she says no to me trying to get there & see her, she’ll be happy to talk to me, again, because, she didn’t have to call me Friday night/ Saturday morning (March 31/ April 1) after she had just gotten to the hospital waiting room, but she did. I still honestly didn’t expect to hear from her on Thursday (March 30) either, & I told her that during the first short (30 mins I think) video call, since the Sunday (March 26) she said she wanted to take a break.

Anyways, I’m hoping that maybe tonight, depending on when I can “speak freely” I’ll be calling again, & hopefully get to talk to her (unlikely though because she’s normally asleep before midnight), but if not, I’ll at least try remember, before I hang up, to ask her nurse, to tell her when she wakes up, that I called because I was worried about her/ wanted to see how she was doing & that she can call me back if she wants to.

I will edit if anything happens between now (8:10 PM) & midnight. Unlikely though because I have the information I was looking for.

Edit 9:22 PM: Came back from getting a drink & seen in my Facebook chat sidebar (it’s always open), she was active 15m ago… Though she hasn’t seen the last message I sent her on Saturday at 5:30 PM…. So, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I’m guessing it may be a good thing, because that means either she has her phone back, or her roommate does. I remember her saying a while before the first hospital trip, her roommate’s fingerprint is enabled on her phone too, so it could be the roommate. It’s also possible that she doesn’t have her phone back, but the hospital has a laptop she was using for a bit. A friend from school was in hospital a while ago, & they were watching episodes of WWE on an old school “Siemens” brand laptop, so maybe that’s how she was online. I don’t know for sure though, because “normally” if it’s her, she sees any messages I’ve sent, that she hasn’t seen yet. I’m just worried/ afraid that if it is her, & she saw has a new message/ has new messages from me, that she isn’t replying because everything has changed since our daytime video call on Friday (March 31), & she no longer has feelings for me at all…. That is what I am scared of right now, because I don’t want her out of my life altogether…. 😦

Edit 11:55 PM: So, nothing new to report at this hour…. Nothing from her, or from her roommate, so I’m safely assuming she’s still in the hospital & hopefully she has a bed finally…. I honestly hope nothing has changed in terms of her still having feelings for me/ still loving me. 😦 That’s all for tonight, I guess, at 11:55 PM…. Until next time….